Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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