You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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