so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
