I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
