if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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