i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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