Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
