I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
