I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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