New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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