another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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