If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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