I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
And then the night went full on bisexual.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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