he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize