For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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