This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
