my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
