Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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