mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
