just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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