Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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