I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
