I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
