how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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