The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
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