I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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