So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
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