i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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