I'm gonna have a badass scar
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
