I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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