I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
