I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
