dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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