Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
