pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
