My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
