she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Randomize
