Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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