I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
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