I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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