I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
