I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize