Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
