my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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