I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
