alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
