im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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