I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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