Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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