just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I wish you could order shots online.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
