Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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