That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Two words: blizzard sex
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
