I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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