At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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