Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
