Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
