it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
