i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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