he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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